Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength

My husband: *finishes vacuuming*

Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*

A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”

walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid

There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat

it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund

someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house

I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.

Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?

Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.

A banana just sold at an art auction for $6.2 million, so if our custodian still hasn’t thrown out that orange someone left in one of our study rooms last week, we may never have to do a capital campaign again.

[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place

Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”

The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.

What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?

My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.

Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.

Does this thing get good gas mileage?

-my husband being kidnapped

[Snake Owners Club]

Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.

[Me & like 3 other guys leave]

i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?

7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.

The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal

They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.