Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship

So I said I wanted a divorce

When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?

I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress

“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”

I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.

“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”

Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.

The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.

Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?

Me: I don’t like your tone.

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am

When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.

Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”

I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”

Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living

If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house

These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.

Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.

ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask

SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t

FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.

[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]

[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.

[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]

Me: diamond bracelet?

Clerk: $10,000

Me: cubic zirconia?

Clerk: $5,000

Me: glass?

Clerk: $2,000

Me: beaded plastic?

Clerk: $1,000

[later]

Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?

Me: I made it myself : )

Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.

A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?