Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”

this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name

As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.

account balance: $1400

me at wendy’s: show me the square cows

“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.

Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?

Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.

*eating lawn mower parts*

what, it’s grass fed

two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???

Perfect

My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.

My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.

He’s the Spokesman.

Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.

14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.

I’m having my mother-in-law for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. She asked what she could bring. I said, “Bring some pie and cranberries and stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy and a golden brown turkey.”

ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935

2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.

I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants

Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue

I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.

I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”

UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!

Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.

Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?

Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress

You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

the three branches of government