Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say sex is the best for of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.

STOP MAKING IT WEIRD

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions

me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now

When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you

Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’

Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy

[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah

My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long

date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?

me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.

VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.

Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*

Gandalf: ffs

“don’t tell your girl”

me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine

John: Yesterday…

Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away

George: But now it looks…

Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough

The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off

mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years

I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.

Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

I’m in such a great mood today

Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute

To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit

Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it

-yard sale

Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions

Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication

Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably

[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.

What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?

husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school

15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home