Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!

I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.

I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.

this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.

Judas: Never. He’s my friend.

Council: …and an iPad.

Judas: I hate that guy.

If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”

A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.

Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday

*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings

Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes

inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert

Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”

New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”

I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous

[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”

The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM

I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.

Spotted in the wild

Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!

Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes

plums roundup

I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”

A welcome mat is a gateway rug.

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.