Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
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Great Canadian literature.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”
They were going to a funeral.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Sponch
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭