Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
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Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
i will not be silenced
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.