Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
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Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Cheer up.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.