Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
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Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine