Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
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if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers