Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

men: i like the natural no makeup look

me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown

I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.

“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.

I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.

Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man

No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.

People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.

“I lost my Khakis”

– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.

*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*

After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.

[operating room]

NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…

NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now

MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol

I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning

broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex

woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere

Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.

*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils

Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.

The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.

There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?

Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol

federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes

Things that are dangerous-

-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks

BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT

i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

[at Starbucks]

ME: One large starbuck please.

BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-

ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.

TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”

Me: Heck yeah

TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️

Me: Wait a second

i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.

i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.

How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.