Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.

And that’s what happened your honour.

I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me

translated into Canadian

I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.

Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.

My bachelor party always end with a wedding.

Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.

43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree

*weighs self*

“Shit”

*takes clothes off*

“GODDAMMIT”

*takes tampon out*

Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once

Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.

[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this

doctor: you have no heart

me: okay wow that’s rude

doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive

demon living inside me: *to me* don’t

me: there’s a demon living inside me

demon: ugh

[psych ward]

me: this is nice they have jell-o

demon: ooo is it cherry

SON: I need lunch money.

DAD: Get a job.

SON: I’m in 5th grade-

DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.

I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.

My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.

That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.

6: that’s none of your business

4: it IS my business

6:

4: what does business mean

Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself

I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.

Boss: You were napping

Me: No I wasn’t

Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face

Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*

Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person

I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.

Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*

Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne

Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls

me: *blows a raspberry*

raspberry: ah yea baby

My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.

the way he checked his surroundings 😭