Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
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There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked