Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.

My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat

I know karate and tons of other words.

This is going to be a meme FOREVER:

If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.

I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.

One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan

My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo

Her: what?

Me: no his hearing is fine

my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)

Some people are just better left alone.

In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.

cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm

Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”

Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.

Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.

It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy

Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers

Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!

Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]

[pharmacy]

“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”

PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?

“No thanks, I already believe in children”

Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.

All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself

My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.