Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”

Me: “I was born three months premature.”

those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.

Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”

Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”

Houston, we have a problem

Houston: new phone who dis

If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.

New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?

Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

” Yes, we arson.”

Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?

My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.

Me: … yeah, pretty much

*wins $1000*

To claim your prize, create an account and password.

Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.

Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?

klingon

*two claps*

klingoff

I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.

If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.

Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!

[on phone]

Of course I trust you, babe. Always.

*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*

putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler

next time i open up to someone is during surgery

Moms. The original autocorrect.

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”

“Different fathers?”

“Shark attack.”

Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something

The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours

if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed

accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again

Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.

Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.

Her: We need to talk.

*vultures begin circling over me*

Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way

🐠