Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
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Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
how to market bottled water to dads
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge