Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*burglar alarm goes off*

me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work

do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”

4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.

6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.

Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol

Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted

Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me

Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.

Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.

My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.

Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.

One killed the padawans.

The other was abandoned in the desert

I’m dreading that class reunion.

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche

I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”

But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.

All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved

Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.

My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.

OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases

i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show

“Sookie!”

-70% of True Blood dialogue

My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something

I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.

I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair

This encourages me to spend less time in it

Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘

Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’

oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.

Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise

[in a steel doomsday bunker]

FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.

ME: No!

[something strikes the side of our bunker]

There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.