Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”

a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin

*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle

Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.

Me: Where? The basement?

Daughter: No, up in my room.

Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?

Daughter:

friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.

cop: you have one phone call

me: [dials 911] get me outta here

Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension

toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking

“Shhhhh”

– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into

I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head

Win some, lose some

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this

Twitter is the new flypaper.

I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck

– The inventor of the scarf

Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago

just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth

I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon

*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation

me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey

I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.

(Husband asks to see my phone)

Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!

My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?

priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better

I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.

You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.

My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.