Message from teachers: no clubs this week
Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week
Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week
School electronic sign: no clubs this week
Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
