Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising

unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]

So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.

[1 MINUTE LATER]

My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…

Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good

Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠

I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.

[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues

Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.

Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.

If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up

And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

#NationalGardeningDay

Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.

– me as a therapist

Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.

I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there

Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd

SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me

Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.

I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”

[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”

The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.