Message from teachers: no clubs this week
Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week
Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week
School electronic sign: no clubs this week
Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
