Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat

Me: I’m ghosting him.

Her: You stopped talking to him?

Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.

[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*

They got Raph!

[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”

Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.

You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick

Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.

I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!

her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?

him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous

[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)

[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons

Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there

My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.

My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*

[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter

EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!

Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.

H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.

M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!

H: Have you been day drinking?

Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.

Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”

[date gets back from the bathroom]

those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?

“kids?”

If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”

*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.

Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*