Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.

My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.

My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler

I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.

It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna

monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you

me: [pulls covers over head] your move

The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.

How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?

My lack of pants is nobody’s business.

JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist

Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.

[before kids]

“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”

[3 years in]

“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”

You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.

When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.

HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?

ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.

My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats

Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?

Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.

In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”

Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator

My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent

Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.

I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo

YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir

Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?

When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?