Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
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Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Need WebMD
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …