message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
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he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Wolves should really raise more people.
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
everyone’s a critic
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.