message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
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“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Haha good job!!
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that