Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.

I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here

USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about

Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.

Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.

Her: What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?

mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs

I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.

I mean, why knot?

#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes

Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.

Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app

[every morning]

Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.

Me: Age is just a number

My body: And today you’re 85 lol

Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!

I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone

If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn

It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?

Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.

Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.

*group chat*

Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.

[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]

Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.

Hey I just met you…

And this is Crazy…

But this is a nice restaurant…

So, Silence your baby!

Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉

My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER

Me: yeah ;(

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing

I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.

My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.

Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school