Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.

This publishing job says applicants must currently live in Illinois, but then relocate to Michigan. WTF? Why??

A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.

brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.

*laughs all the way to the bank*

*cries all the way back*

I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.

i can’t work under these festive conditions

I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.

I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.

On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.

Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.

No weirdos.

Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes

So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.

When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all

Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.

Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.

me: so where do you go to school

new babysitter: It’s private

me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone

[God making sausages]

Angel: What’s next?

God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing

*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*

Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh

Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?

By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.

him: you’re not like other girls

me, at the urinal next to him: how

At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.