Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CEOs are in danger, we need to put all of them in a submarine until we know it’s safe

I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights

At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.

My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.

Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.

Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.

University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,

[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?

My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.

What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?

Sister: You need more friends

Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me

Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven

Me: Haha that is classic Carol

I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.

* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross

‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic

“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.

Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and

We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.

Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.

[meeting]

Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children

Demon in the back: I have the soy latte

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot

Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”

It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are

Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn

I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.

I’m trying to eat healthily but there’s still so much cheese in the fridge. And it’s illegal to throw cheese away. Not sure what to do.

I guess I’m going to have to eat the cheese.

Yes. I am now actively eating the cheese.

*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on

I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.

my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high