Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
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Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Them: Can you explain this gap in your resume?
Me: that was just a pause for dramatic effect.
me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this