Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
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Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?