Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
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[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…