Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
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dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
walking out of the bob dylan movie and wondering why I didn’t know any of the songs or why he was a monkey
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out