Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
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I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Please do it!
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
My guardian angel deserves a raise
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
After ten years of marriage I’ve realized that I also need a wife to take care of me.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
This anagram machine is out of order.
young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.