Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
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as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
*puts words between two asterisks*
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Sniffing the broccoli
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.