Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge

We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags

me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u

This is completely inappropriate. Where do I sign up?

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.

Me: what’s the deal with airplane food

Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise

It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too

(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions

Seems legit

*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.

Friend: Good for you for working out.

Me: I said I done squat today.

Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.

Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?

Pac-Man: *deep breath*

I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!

People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*

If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?

Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?

Me: Are you going to test me?

Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-

Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk

Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back

“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”

This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.

Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call

If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.

*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out

Boss: It’s a make or break situation!

Me: I’ll take a break then tnx