Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.

4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”

“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating

[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere

Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?

If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?

Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples

Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now

*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*

Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.

Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.

Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.

Have a nice day 🙂

Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.

My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.

Wife: Don’t tweet that

Me: *thinks about it*

Wife: I’ll divorce you

Me: *thinks harder*

Wife: And give you all 4 kids

Me: *hits delete*

Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?

It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”

Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.

Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.

Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]

Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!

I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.

I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!

My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.

sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song

i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives

4yo: Do you want to play pretend?

Me: I already am.

4yo: What pretend?

Me: Shh, you’re not here.

WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.

School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money

I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.

*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*