Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog
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Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
pelicons
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
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