Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?

Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs

If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.

me logging onto twitter

I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka

If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.

“I can’t lie to you”

You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me

9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later

9:33 a.m. technically this is later

I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”

*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*

Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?

Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.

I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.

If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.

me: family! regale me with tales of your day!

5: good

2: yes

hubs: same

[going to bed]

Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.

[5 AM the next morning]

Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.

I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.

Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!

*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE

also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes

Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.

4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?

Me: A million.

4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?

Me: Must’ve been an earthquake

You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.

😞

-gestures to everything in the Garage-

Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!

Wife- YOU’RE a tool

Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?

Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…