Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog
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No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
wtf is a larm clock?
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
pictures of spider-man
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.