Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#inspiration #foodforthought

[before sex]

ME: Did you notice I waxed?

WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows

Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy

Me: umm

CEO: call it crunchy

Me: oh ok then we charge less

CEO: hahaha no

literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”

took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.

Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!

[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]

HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??

My mom: [sighs]

*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.

Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me

Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing

My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.

I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.

I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.

I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.

hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people

The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered

Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.

Me, scrolling to find my birth year

i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

[Trapped on a Island]

*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”

*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”

The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.

Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.

“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “