Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
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Waking up a teen for school:
1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!Teen: Why are you yelling?
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight