Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
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It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
cat vs inanimate object
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Me, reading some of your tweets
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Oops
