Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
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My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
My god she’s good.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.