Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
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my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
That lamp looks PISSED.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed