Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]

HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?

ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives

[first day as chinese police officer]

me: guys…it happened again.

[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…

There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat

me: listen pal no one talks to me that way

guy with british accent:

craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead

still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too

Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark

Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”

Wife: Where are you going?

Me: You can find me in da club shawty

Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?

Me: Yes

My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.

[training to be a meat cutter]

butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes

me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]

*Hears loud noise*

Me: What are y’all doing?

5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!

excuse me

[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?

I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets

if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”

The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable

[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.

I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.

Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.

If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?

I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell

[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins

Me: I banged your Mom.

My Son: I know, Dad. I know.

It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.

Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺