met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
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Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
scientifically speaking, how long do you plan to be this stupid?
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…