met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
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kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going