met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
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Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]