met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
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You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
do what now??
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart