Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
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Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
😏😏😏
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Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Monica just destroyed the internet
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My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun