Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
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My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness