Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dinner party]

*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*

I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.

I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.

ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol

CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.

If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio

Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.

When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection

I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.

Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning

A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?

Show me a better name for a sugar company.

*goes to the park*

*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop

High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.

If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.

Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.

The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.

When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.

My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.

Me: But she’s the right kid?

Wife: Yes. But…

Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.

Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later

Pollen: lol, ok

“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.

Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.

You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.

bartender: what’s wrong with you

best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast

bartender: well that’s excessive-

best man: mike is the groom

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.

*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*

🤔😂😂

Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.

I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”