Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?

“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints

ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot

My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.

yes, those are my real potatoes.

*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*

*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.

What’s the loudest pet?

A trumpet.

#PetDay

I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.

Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house

Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.

Me: I can’t wait!

RM: You’re fired.

M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.

H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.

M-

H-

M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.

wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen

When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.

Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.

2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.

Ah yes. The three genders

Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.

Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist

Doctor: That’s me

Me: but you’re an adult

Doctor: and a child psychologist

Me: how

If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.

Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic

ME: I fear the number six.

THERAPIST: That’s odd.

ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.

Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.

Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.

[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?

“You do the math”

[Element Support Group]

Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming

Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.