Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
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My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Never let them know your next move 😂
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.