Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
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Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
Try and stop me.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes