Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
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Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
*in court
😔: your honor, this is fat shaming, everyone knows you have to be naked to get your most accurate weight!
😡: You were using the scale at the grocery store!
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
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