met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
