met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
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Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Never forget.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
dam girl
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”