Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
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I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”