Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
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The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.