Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
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Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Breaking news:
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear