Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
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Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳