met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
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[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.
He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:
— where they were all rural cattle farmers.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
