met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
It’s so cold outside I saw a gangster pull his pants up and walk stiffly.
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
