met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
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When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
The United Steaks of America
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The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
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If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
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[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭