Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
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There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA