Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
You Might Also Like
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.