Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.

To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.

[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?

Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?

Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.

The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again

If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.

Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.

It has been years and it never stops being funny.

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.

This is not a coincidence.

“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.

HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….

Me: But…

Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.

The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.

His funeral will take plac

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.

“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.

No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”

Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?

SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.

it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty

I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.

Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.

Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.

Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.

Me: Do you like my new negligé?

Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?

Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.

Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.