Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes

when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there

I was living in the moment until I was evicted.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..

I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane

What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”

What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with

My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

I walked into a pub with my wife..

The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?

I said That sounds like a fair swap

Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.

You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On

Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.

Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea

Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.

My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened

My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”

The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.

Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer

People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?

Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.

BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!

WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.

Me: I’m cutting back on wine!

Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .

From my Mom

Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.

‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.