Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
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Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Thank heavens for community notes
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
happy mother’s day❤️
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I’m incredibly busy
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind