Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[breakfast table]

Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either

Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.

Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.

The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.

me: your wife’s surgery was a success

him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?

me: *shrug* I’m free whenever

[Sherwood Forest]

LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me

ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…

LITTLE JOHN: Right

ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor

LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them

ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?

LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.

I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW

Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.

If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

[Australian recipe for upside down cake]

1: make cake

*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’

Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*

They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.

I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.

Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call

I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”

Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?

Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.

I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence

My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it

The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.

Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times

Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic

Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.

Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?

Rey: No.

Me: Good. Let’s get started.

[November 2030]

*at the ocean*

“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”

Kids: This fish has three heads

hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress

it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th

HERE’S MARKY

I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired

i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”

I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen