Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants

interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job

me: the company moved

interviewer: where to

me: they didn’t tell me

That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*

Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?

Ways that I am superior to dolphins:

– Am not afraid of being on dry land

– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet

– Faster at replying to emails

– Know more about the causes of World War 1

– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net

If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day

There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.

White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.

I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.

Funny women are smart. Be careful.

Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.

In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.

there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps

the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

My life coach traded me.

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”

Me: “He’s my service dog.”

My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”

I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.

Stages of drunk:

– I’m not drunk.

– I’m still not drunk.

– Who’s trunk am I in?

Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*

Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!

Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.

I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.

They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.

“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”

Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?