Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket

Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me

Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

[first date]

me: are you a reader?

date: omg i love reading

me: [handing her my menu] thank god

I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse

Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!

Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?

living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.

Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for

Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”

Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”

Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).

I am tired of being a part of a major historical event

Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.

Guy about to invent balloons:

I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!

Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?

Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.

Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.

Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house

Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

– Mark Twain

Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!

*Pulls out 10000 spoons*

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car

I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.

If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍

Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.

I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.