Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk

[Art Museum]

Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.

Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.

[on date]

HER: What are you doing on your phone?

ME: An update

HER: What update?

ME: Not much, what up with you?

*first date*

Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.

Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.

me: no don’t open that candy before din-

5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]

me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.

Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown

Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?

ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur

“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”

-Me, when my husband has a cold.

Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!

Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?

Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-

[train explodes]

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get

All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..

*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*

You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.

Wife: what are you watching?

Me: See II

Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?

Me: not till it’s over

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool

Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.

By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.

Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

#have a #great #PancakeDay

Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.

Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.

“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it