Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THEM: Hey–

ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.

THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”

ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.

me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business

[Last day of school for the year]

Kids: Yay!

Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]

Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.

It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?

Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.

[Throwing a ball for my dog]

Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though

termites walking up to the ark: two please

noah: any dietary restrictions?

termite: yeah we only eat woo—

noah:

termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool

noah:

termites:

noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters

Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰

Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended

“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”

-Bob Ross, Mob Boss

I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.

I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”

I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.

ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know

triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.

just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc

If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.

They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?

Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no

W: I despise you

My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.

☠️ ☠️

14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.

My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.