Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.

Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.

I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.

My kids are really competing for least favorite today.

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes

Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika

Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.

Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:

– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

I’m locked out. Come let me in.

Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.

Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa

This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.

I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.

BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?

ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

boss: we have to let you go

me: why

boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing

me: em…

boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good

me: see!

boss: ok you can stay

me: *under my breath* a

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.

$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguents

I’m barely getting by.

My job sucks but it pays the bills.

Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.

What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?

Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”

ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…

DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion

My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.

i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times

Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?

My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.

Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.