Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work

I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans

Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords

Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.

Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.

Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called

Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳

Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.

[On the way home from school pick-up]

Me: So, what did you do at school today?

9: I burned down everything that exists.

5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?

9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.

Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby

Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart

Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”

i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”

We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.

No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?

Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

The only equipped I am is ill.

Surely it must be just Zealand by now.

friend: what’d you do today?

me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest

friend: niiiice, how was it

me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet

The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.

16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?

I don’t know.

16: Plain.

You’re going to be such a great dad.

“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically

friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid

me: wow, that’s hardcore

Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.

Court starts Monday.