Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs

“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted

Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…

I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.

Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.

I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing

Them: Question everything.

Me: Why?

Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri

The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.

His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.

Hear me out…

A leaf blower, but for people.

“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?

His Highness

You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex

people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description

dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance

That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.

Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man

Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.

The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.

6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?

*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*

Leftovers are for quitters!

My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.

Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.

Me: we’re going out tonight okay?

Toddler: yeah.

Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.

Toddler: yeah.

Me: start a revolution.

Toddler: yeah!

Me: Then we’ll go to bed.

Toddler: no.

My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.

Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!

Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.

Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?

– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.

What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?

The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.