Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.

How do you tell the gender of an ant?

Put it in water.

If it sinks, girl ant.

If it floats…

I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.

I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.

Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.

A bunch of bras is called a support group.

Thanks for following.

“Read that again”

No thanks, it sucked the first time.

independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas

*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!

*packing suitcases*

kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket

kid 2: stick

YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:

Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.

This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad

What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.

Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.

Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep

“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69 

If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.

Swedish for common sense.

Him: These candles are so romantic!

Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.

me: never meet your heroes

also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please

Guilty! 🤪

*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.

Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.

How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?

[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]

More people would get the booster if it came with fries.

Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please