Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off

Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?

Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?

Me: Probably not.

Friend: PROBABLY?

Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.

[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]

Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.

Girl- You mean a condom?

Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.

Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?

DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow

ME: Can I shake hands with people?

DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them

ME: …

DOCTOR: …

ME: …

DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?

I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets

So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing

Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?

Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”

If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.

behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”

I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!

ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog

My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind

Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you

Family: So how did you two meet?

Me: Tinder.

Family: What’s Tinder?

Me: It’s a game site.

My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.

The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.

This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.

If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead

Employees must applaud the planets.